I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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