Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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