I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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