and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
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can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
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I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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