Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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