theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
