Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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