I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
