woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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