I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
