I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
