Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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