Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
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I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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