a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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