i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
