Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
