my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
