Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
