Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
