You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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