nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
