Your mouth is God's brothel.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
