Old men and throwing up are my life now.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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