She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
