His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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