I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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