everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
