mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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