my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
