I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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