it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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