i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
