So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
