Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
