Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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