Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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