So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
