Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
