I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
