I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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