Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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