I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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