he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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