I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
