if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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