So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
