Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
