They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
