I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
