I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
