Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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