dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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