??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
