I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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