Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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