mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
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I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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