If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
