Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
