Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
