my phone needs a breathalizer
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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