You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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