I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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