When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
