worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
