Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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